Selbstmord
by Become one yes
Summary: Angst and a character dies multiple times. There's yaoi but no smut, based on a true story, minus the siblings being lovers. Mostly Germancest but a mentioning of GerIta.
1. Chapter 1

_This story is really sad and I cried while writing it. It's for a friend who's no longer with me to read it. If you cut out the part about the siblings in the story being lovers you can notice that it's a story like many others around the world. Please keep in mind that sometimes when siblings fight it's not fighting, it is abuse._

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Have you ever contemplated death? An inevitable end of course, but, have you ever entertained the idea of ending it yourself? Lost yourself in the darkness of the timeless void beyond? Have you ever wondered what it feels like? Is death warm and inviting or cold and cruel? Why would you do it? Your little brother, the only family you have left, the person that supposedly loves you, a man _you raised_, abuses you? That same man, the one you also call lover, refuses to sleep with you, cheats on you, hits you, avoids you, _hates you, _doesn't even care about you anymore, kicks you out of his house and forces you to live on the streets, do you know what that's like? No, you probably don't. You're probably just some teenage girl who hates herself for no reason other than you can only see your imperfections. You have no real reason to cut, to drink, to get high, to feel worthless and unloved, and to be depressed. You aren't the only living ex-nation. I want to end this worthless existence. But I can't. I need to stay alive for my brother. Even if he hates me, even if he abuses me, avoids me and forces me to try over and over again to attempt suicide, to cut, to bleed for him. "You were meant to die for Germany." I take that to heart, I love him, and every time I kill myself he appears, he heals me for my next round of emotional torture. Why do you hate me West? Was I just a convenient hole to fuck? An easy way to get off? Do I really mean so little to you? What if you can't find me next time? What if I go somewhere you wouldn't look? West this bone-aching, mind numbing depression is because of you, you pushed me to become an alcoholic. And what about your pretty little lover? What if he found out that I'm not at Spain's or France's because you turned everyone against me, including my best friends? I know you hate him, I know you hate his tiny, girly body, I know you hate his wide hips because they remind you of Brandenburg, I know you despise his fragility and how you can never fulfill any of your kinks with him, I know you hate how Blackie, Goldie, and Blitz have to stay in my old room until he leaves because he's afraid they'll eat him, I know you hat how he mass produces white flags, pasta and somehow kittens, so why? Why him over me? What did I do? How can I fix it? When can I come home and be the permanent in your life? When will I be allowed to walk the Blackie, Goldie, and Blitz without you seeing us, taking them ad beating me half to death for taking dogs I bought for you for your 100th birthday for a much needed walk? West… Mein lieben… When will you love me again? When will you end this pointless cycle of hate…?

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_My friend was put in an asylum and the day she was supposed to get out she hung herself with a belt her parents bought her to wear out of the asylum. two days later her brother, wrought with grief and guilt shot himself. In their suicide notes the both begged each other for forgiveness, I hope wherever they are now they have each others forgiveness. If I get 90 views I'll add another chapter about what Gilbert did to deserve it and if you want to know more about my friend's story then I'll PM you it. Thank you for reading... _


	2. Chapter 2

_Here's chapter two you guys!_

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It kept happening, again and again and he didn't know why his bruder had done it but he could feel it. And every time his bruder killed himself a little piece of him died with him. Why couldn't he just realize what he'd done wrong? Why couldn't his dearest bruder just realize that he needed to grow up and stop acting like a child? Why couldn't he just shape up? I know I'm hurting him, I know I'm making him depressed, I know he thinks I hate him but I don't, I love mein bruder, I want to kiss him and hold him and make love to him. I want him to come home. I want him to know I do love him and care about him but until he matures he cannot come home, I feel terrible for all I've done, I feel terrible for treating him like nothing and my heart hurts every time I have to go and find his broken body and make him better. I hate myself for doing this but he needs to realize that acting like a child is not okay, he needs to realize that his childish pranks do hurt people. But this feels worse then his fall, worse then the wall and worse then when Russia brainwashed him and took me out of his memories, for a long time Gilbert didn't trust me, didn't love me anymore and I cried myself to sleep every night. My heart still hurts from then, and it's hurting even more now that he's gone again. Next time he kills himself I'm going to bring him home, I need him, I need to hold him and love him and make everything better again, I need my bruder again, so I'm gong to go get him. Bruder, I'm coming for you. Nothing will come between us again, not even your immaturity will tear us apart this time. I love you and I refuse to lose you again.


End file.
